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American men seek lovely retirement in Thailand

 

Monday 2nd January 2012 7:13pm

Dream comes true for Thai woman living with US husband

A Thai woman living in North eastern Thailand recently told the New York Post that her life with her retired US husband was her dream come true. But could such marriages be facing some challenges?

More and More American men are retiring to Thailand with a Thai wife. This trend has not only continued but exploded in recent years driven on by the economic downturn in the United States. However there is also evidence that marriages between Thai women and foreign spouses in North Eastern Thailand are facing some difficulties as the level of divorce in such marriages is higher than normal for Thailand. However it should be noted that this rate is far below the level divorce now seen the United States itself. Howard from San Diego, a ThaiLoveLines member who now lives in Chiang Mai with his Thai girlfriend: 'Sure, some relationships don't work out, I often think my own relationship is too good to be true but overall, it's a good deal for us guys and the Thai women. I meet many wonderful couples who have been together for decades here, I don't see this very much at home anymore.'

Commentators have attributed the problems to a conflict of reasons for the marriage, and partially due to cultural differences. It is important that American men carefully assess their reasons for taking a Thai bride, and the reason why young women marry wealthy American retirees. However, not all such marriages are for the wrong reasons, and the vast majority endure in spite of the potential problems.

American men retiring to Thailand with a Thai wife

It is becoming more common for American men to retire to Thailand and marry a Thai wife. Many of these men are divorcees or widowers, who have found it quite acceptable in Thailand for older men to marry young Thai women without the social stigma that may be attached in the USA to marriages between people of significantly disparate ages. They also find that their retirement income goes a lot farther in a country where the cost of living is relatively low.

A ThaiLoveLines survey has found that of 340 American men who had found a Thai partner, 67 were planning to settle in Thailand within a year. The survey is one carried out as part of a biannual survey into marriage between American men and Thai women, but according to ThaiLoveLines, 'the only down side is that we are also observing increased levels of divorce among couples like this in Thailand itself.'

Many young Thai women have seen the American dream on TV and the movies, and have a desire to become part of that. They have also seen other Thai women who have found themselves an American life partner and want the same for themselves.

Says Nui Davis, who as a child saw Thai girls who had found foreign husbands visiting her village dressed in fine clothes and handing out candies to the kids: 'For me, they were like a princess,' she said. 'And I kept those pictures in my mind, and I made a wish that one day I would like to be one of those ladies.'

Why Americans like Thai brides

Now she is - in theory. She married her husband Joseph Davis of California, a twice-divorced retired naval officer, and her family kept telling her that she had finally found her dream. However, like an increasing number of American men with new Thai brides, 54-year old Joe decided not to settle in California with his wife, but moved to Thailand instead. The two live in an upmarket air-conditioned home, which like many western homes in Thailand is an oasis of opulence surrounded by the poorer houses of their neighbours.

Says Mr. Davis: 'Thai women are a lot like women in America were 50 years ago," before they become "strong-headed and opinionated.'

Many American men grapple with the decision to seek a wife from a foreign country and come to Thailand intent on finding 'an honest relationship,' the vast majority are aware there is a financial motive to the desire of many Thai women to marry American men. An American, John Forder who works with a UN funded programme in Thailand's North East describes this approach as 'healthy'. 'The first thing to understand is that there are financial motives behind the trend but beyond this there is a lot more going on. Many Thai women are genuinely attracted to American men and want to be part of American culture. For instance, many Thai women do not see marriage to older men as such as bad thing. But also, you must remember that most Thai women do not want to marry foreign men, most Thai women who marry American men are from a poorer background or are divorced.' They faithfully look after their men and their family in return for the financial security they desire so much. In fact, it is the question of 'family' that comes as a culture shock to many American men who retire to Thailand with their young brides.

What many men have failed to understand is that when they marry a Thai bride, they also marry her extended family. In Thai culture, and that of most Asian countries, the husband and wife are financially responsible for the bride's parents and grandparents, and also other members of the family that require financial help. This is just one of the many reasons for the increasing divorce rate between Thai women and foreign men that settle in Thailand. Another reason is a tightening of Thailand's property laws making more difficult for foreigners to own land in Thailand. 'This has meant that some Americans are more dependent on their Thai relatives when it comes to ownership of property particular land.' He says

It is not only American men that are attracted to move to Thailand to live with their young brides, because there are almost 11,000 men of many different nationalities living in the same region of Isaan as Joe. The attraction is not only the exotic and beautiful women, but the low cost of living and the perceived aforementioned subservience of Thai brides to their husbands.

Misunderstanding between men and Thai wives

In addition to pressure being placed on marriages because of problems raised by familial financial obligations, many Thai women do not always take kindly to being regarded as having few rights in their marriage. Strain is placed on many marriages because of a difference between expectations and reality. 'Many American or foreigners if you like, forget that in Thailand, the law favours the Thai wife just as much as at home, even more so. It is the Thai tradition or culture that accords the man such careful consideration by his Thai wife. But if a foreign husband abuses this position or crosses the line, it's not very good at all. But really most America men who come here to live are gentlemen in particularly the ones that are better off.'

It is perhaps significant that many of the men who decide to settle down in Thailand have been divorced, sometimes more than once, and are not necessarily seeking a more subservient wife but simply a better emotional attachment. They are retired and have been unhappy in their previous relationships, and are hoping that they can settle down in a more stable relationship with a beautiful young Thai woman.

For many Thai women, on the other hand, the arrangement is more of a financial one. This is the nightmare scenario. These Thai women, often with a history of being involved in Thailand's infamous sex industry, marry men such as American retirees much older than they would normally dream of marrying for economic reasons and to escape their fate. They want the money, and once they marry they spend it. The husband becomes secondary to the credit card while the women try to raise themselves to a higher social status, and when that is associated with supporting the Thai wife's family, the situated often becomes untenable.

Some husbands are expected to provide a dowry of several thousand dollars from their retirement income. Such marriages, where each partner has a different reason for marrying and neither based upon true love, are almost doomed to failure from the outset.

Cultural and Language issues

However, it is not always like that, and the vast majority of marriages between American retirees and Thai women are very successful. Some are borderline, such as that between 63 year-old retired mathematics teacher Dennis Sorensen who is married to 31 year-old Pennapa. They have issues when he runs out of money until his next pension payment due to commitments in looking after her extended family.

The couple also still has language problems, even after 8 years, but in general their marriage is strong. There have been reports of marriages breaking down due to such financial and language barriers, particularly when the pair make little attempt to learn each other's culture. Nevertheless, most marriages between Thai women and foreign men find the cultural experience a plus factor and where they have a strong affection or love for each other; this is sufficient to overcome such issues.

Where couples have married for love, divorce rates are low, because there are no doubts that Thai wives in a loving relationship are devoted to their husbands and children, and do all they can to keep both happy. While living in Thailand, however, there is no overcoming the financial responsibility to the extended family that is alien to the American way of life. 'I really find this fascinating, many Americans come here knowing that Thai women have a financial motive even though they are good people but get very upset with the Thai culture that expects them to help out the family. 'Western culture really places an emphasis on true love between the couple to the exclusion of the rest of society. Thais think differently about this. I really have not come to a conclusion about which is right personally.'

Another difficulty that American retirees in Thailand face is their tax returns. America is about the only country that insists upon expatriates filing tax returns in the same way as if they were still residing in the USA. That is because American citizens are obliged to pay tax on all worldwide income irrespective of source or country of residence. However this is not a problem for must American men living in Thailand. Howard from San Diego says: 'I have got a CPA who I call a few times a year, but now it's mostly e-mail anyhow.' Nevertheless, money in Thailand goes a great deal further than in the USA - depending on the wife's family situation!

In the end of the day all relationships are personal matters. Says Mr Forder: 'It depends on whether the two individuals have good hearts, if they have, these relationships can not only endure but be wonderful cross cultural adventures. However we are seeing more and more Thai women marrying Americans and foreign men and this is leading to more instances where the mix is wrong. Particularly where the Thai woman is very young, the foreign husband older and where a lack of money or financial pressure arises.'

ThaiLoveLines.com is Thailand’s biggest internet dating site with over 220,000 members and growing rapidly …Begin your search for a Thai girlfriend, wife or partner here.


American men opting to retire to Thailand with Thai brides
Thai woman says marriage to her American husband is a dream come true. Increasingly America men are seeking Thai brides to settle and retire in Thailand. The cheap cost of living and warm climate are attractions.
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